What does it mean to be yours?
The longest relationship we have is the relationship we have is with ourselves. And I would like to declare that as an observation, I’ve noticed we aren’t really taught how to truly love and maybe most importantly, understand ourselves. It all starts with the individual, we know this.
But do we? We are complex beings by nature, mix in the daily stressors, family traumas and negative belief patterns, personal insecurities and we have a perfect recipe for some major confusion, loss of direction and a major decrease in self-esteem and self-love. Unbeknownst to us, when this happens we begin to find escapes and coping mechanisms to simply deal with daily life and living in our skin. This can happen at any age but when it does it’s imperative that we instead of looking out, turning the spot light and looking within.
The silver lining is there has been more emphasis on selfceare and slowing down (if 2020 has taught us anything).
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” LAO-TZU
More so when we are in relationships, we turn to the other person to solve our problems or always be there to pick us up as a result, we expect our partners to know us better than we know ourselves without properly communicating our needs and wants. Somewhere, we were taught that “he/she should just know.” Sometimes we find that in a partner and it’s super awesome and you two just click and finish each other’s sentences, but sometimes you don’t and that shouldn’t taint the relationship. In fact, this is an opportunity to strengthen communication whilst looking in and understand what your needs really are.
We all have needs and wants and desires, and this post is not meant to discredit that, but the awareness of those needs, wants and desires is the foundation to beginning of knowing how to be yours. I experienced my first heartbreak when I was twenty and, it felt like that was the worst thing that happened to me next to having to give away my first dog after owning him for five years. In a moment of clarity, months after the break-up, I said to myself “what power did he have over me that I cannot be happy without him?” and then I thought “what power does anyone have over my own wellbeing and happiness!” Although the mourning of the relationship didn’t end there it was a huge breakthrough for me in which, for the first time, I felt just that much stronger and that much more hopeful in going in the right direction of not feeling heartbroken anymore.
I spent most of my twenties dating myself. Understanding myself, directing and understanding my emotions- why certain things trigger me and not others, what I look for in a partner and why I look for those traits/qualities/characteristics. I studied my insecurities and all the areas I built a wall around. I began to understand why I distrusted the people and the things I wanted the most, and by the time I turned 26 I became so much more aware of myself. I went on a few dates but wasn’t so confused or hurt when it didn’t work out and if any date did trigger something, I went back to the drawing board and it became easier to see the root cause/ belief that was at play.
So this Valentines day, whether your single or coupled up or dealing with unusual circumstances with your partner due to 2020, I suggest you first sit down with yourself. Take yourself on a date, have those hard conversations with yourself, buy yourself some flowers, or chocolates. Sit down and finally do that thing you’ve wanted to do but haven’t have the time for. Find some journal prompts that guide you to the parts of yourself you’ve shied away from. Strive to understand you the way you wish to be understood, treated or seen.
And remember this is an ongoing journey, there is no finish line and there is no breakup from yourself, only the forgetting of who you truly are.
xM
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